I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
