All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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