There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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