Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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