my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize