haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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