I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
