So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
