I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
