Cold hands, warm shart.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
