saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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