You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
