Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize