I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
