Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
