I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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