I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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