Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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