Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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