Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
