At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
