dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
