i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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