she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
