i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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