so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
