god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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