Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i came on her dog
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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