So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
