please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
