From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
