Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
