I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
