Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
