Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
