Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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