dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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