I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
