dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
