No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
