11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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