Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
