I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
