This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
