Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
