last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
