I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
