I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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