i may or may not be watching the land before time
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
