Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize