i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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