Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
