There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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