Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
