My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
