I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize