I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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