I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
