Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
