Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
be right there i have to get my cape
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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