You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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