Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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