Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
