when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
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