you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize