And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
