I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
