dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Randomize
