that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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